Speak to Connect, Not to Win: A Real-Life Guide to Non-Violent Communication

Most of us were never taught how to communicate in a way that truly honours ourselves and others.

We were taught to be polite, to not make waves, or, on the flip side, to speak up, take space, fight to be heard and “win” the argument. But somewhere along the way, we missed the heart of communication: connection.

In personal relationships, leadership, and parenting, I’ve learned that communication isn’t just about clarity, it’s about consciousness. It’s not about being right. It’s about being real, and learning to speak in ways that are honest, kind, and deeply rooted in emotional self-awareness.

Non-violent communication (NVC), developed by Marshall Rosenberg, gave me a language for what I had always felt but couldn’t articulate: that it’s possible to be direct without being destructive. That we can honor our needs without dishonoring the dignity of another. That we can speak truth without weaponizing it.

And no, it’s not always easy. But it is transformative.

What Is Non-Violent Communication (NVC)?

NVC is a powerful framework for communicating with compassion and clarity. It helps us move from reaction to response, from blame to self-awareness, and from disconnection to genuine dialogue.

There are four key components:

1. Observation – What are the facts (without judgment or story)?

2. Feeling – What emotion is alive in you right now?

3. Need – What unmet need is underneath that feeling?

4. Request – What clear, actionable thing are you asking for?

Let’s walk this through with some real-life examples, because theory is helpful, but life is lived in the messy middle of conversation, conflict, and connection.

Real-Life Example #1: Romantic Relationship

Old way:

“You never listen to me. You’re always on your phone. It’s like I don’t even exist.”

NVC-inspired approach:

“When I see you looking at your phone while I’m talking (observation), I feel disconnected and unimportant (feeling), because I really need presence and shared attention in our time together (need). Would you be willing to put your phone away while we talk for the next 15 minutes? (request)”

➾ Why it works: You’re naming the impact without shame or attack, and creating a clear opportunity for reconnection.

Real-Life Example #2: Workplace Conflict

Old way:

“You always take credit for my ideas. It’s exhausting working with you.”

NVC-inspired approach:

“In yesterday’s meeting, when my idea was presented without acknowledgment (observation), I felt hurt and dismissed (feeling), because I value recognition and transparency in our collaboration (need). In the future, would you be open to giving credit when team members bring ideas forward? (request)”

➾ Why it works: This approach brings accountability into the room without escalating into blame.

Real-Life Example #3: Parenting

Old way:

“You’re being disrespectful. Go to your room until you can calm down.”

NVC-inspired approach:

“When you raise your voice like that (observation), I feel overwhelmed and sad (feeling), because I need mutual respect and calm communication (need). Can we take five minutes to breathe and try again? (request)”

➾ Why it works: It models emotional regulation and connection instead of punishment.

Real-Life Example #4: Communication in Close Relationships

Old way:

“You always interrupt me. Can you just let me finish for once?”

NVC-inspired approach:

“When I’m interrupted while I’m speaking (observation), I feel frustrated and overlooked (feeling), because I need space to fully express myself and feel heard (need). Would you be willing to wait until I finish before responding? (request)”

➾ Why it works: It shifts the focus from accusation to impact, making it easier for the other person to stay present instead of becoming defensive.

Real-Life Example #5: Facilitating a Meeting & Being Interrupted

Old way (reactive or defensive):

“Can you stop interrupting? I’m the one leading this meeting.”

or “You always take over, can you let me finish, please?”

This can come across as harsh or shaming, even if it’s warranted, and may shut the person down or escalate the energy in the room.

NVC-Inspired Response (Nice but Clear):

Structure: Observation – Feeling – Need – Request

Example:

“When I’m speaking and get interrupted or redirected (observation), I feel frustrated and a bit dismissed (feeling), because I need clarity and flow to keep the conversation on track (need). Would you be open to holding your thoughts for a moment while I finish presenting this part? I promise we’ll come back to your input right after. (request)”

➾ Why it works: You’re not blaming or calling them out personally. You’re naming the pattern, expressing its impact, and making space for collaboration without letting the interruption derail the flow.

Shorter On-the-Spot Version (Professional Tone):

“Let me finish this point and I’ll circle back to your input; thank you for holding it.”

or “I’d love to hear your thoughts; right after I wrap up this section so we stay on track.”

Bonus Tip: Pre-frame in Meetings

You can also set expectations before starting a session:

“Just a reminder that I’ll be guiding us through this agenda, and I’ll make space for everyone to share their input at key points. If you can hold your thoughts until those moments, we’ll stay in sync and make the most of our time.”

This reduces the likelihood of interruption altogether and sets a collaborative tone from the start.

Why This Work Matters

Non-violent communication isn’t about being “nice.” It’s about being clear, conscious, and connected. It’s about understanding that most conflict isn’t about content, it’s really about unmet needs and unspoken emotions.

And let’s be real: we don’t always get this right. Our voice shakes. We react. We get triggered. We shut down. But the more we practice, the more we strengthen the muscle of emotional honesty and self-trust.

I’ve lived through what happens when important questions and conversations go unspoken, when silence builds resentment, when conflict turns to collapse, when love and relationships erode under the weight of everything we never said.

And I’ve learned, sometimes the hard way, that love and leadership both require clarity, courage, and a willingness to show up with heart.

How to Practice NVC in Real Life

When you feel triggered or frustrated:

1. Pause. Take a breath before speaking.

2. Feel. What are you truly feeling beneath the reaction?

3. Name the need. What are you longing for; safety, support, connection, clarity?

4. Speak it. Use the four-step NVC structure to express your truth with kindness.

Pro tip: Start small. Use NVC in low-stakes moments first. Practice with a friend or in journaling and write it out before taking it into more charged conversations.

Final Thoughts

You can be honest and kind.

You can speak your truth and stay connected.

You can lead, love, and live from a place of deep inner alignment, without losing your voice or hurting someone else’s in the process.

Non-violent communication isn’t just a technique. It’s a shift in how we show up to life. And the more we practice, the more natural it becomes to speak in a way that heals, not harms.

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If you’re craving deeper connection, clearer communication, and a way to move through tough conversations with more grace and power, I can help.

Let’s talk. Contact me via email to book a discovery call to explore how conscious communication can support your leadership, relationships, or personal growth.

Or start by exploring more on the blog, where I share reflections on emotional intelligence, heart-led leadership, and healing through the realness of being human.

With heart,

Maja LOVE

Transformational Life & Leadership Coach