Understanding Ego States in Leadership: How the Parent, Child, and Adult Ego Shape Your Life

Life, Leadership, and the Layers of Ego

In life, and especially in leadership you will inevitably encounter many egos: your own and those of others. Everyone has one. And as we deepen our understanding of ourselves and our shared humanity, we begin to recognize the ever-present, often loud, figure in the room: the ego.

When left unchecked, our ego doesn’t always serve us well. It can steer us in directions misaligned with our highest values or greatest good. That’s why self-awareness is a foundational pillar of leadership. Know thyself, and you will better understand others.

Understanding the Ego: A Complex Companion

Our ego is far more nuanced than a simple sense of self-importance. In fact, it’s a dynamic state we shift in and out of throughout our lives. One of the most powerful tools we have is the ability to pause, observe, and reflect on our thoughts, feelings, and motives.

Ask yourself:

• Who is really running the show?

• Where do these thoughts and beliefs come from?

• Are you responding from your Adult Ego, or reacting through your Child or Parent Ego?

According to transactional analysis, these three ego states—Parent, Child, and Adult - live within all of us. They are shaped by our earliest experiences, and each has something valuable to teach us.

The Parent Ego: Inheriting the Rules

Your Parent Ego contains the beliefs, values, and behaviors you absorbed from parental figures—parents, older siblings, teachers, and other authority figures. These are the “how-to” scripts of life: how to behave, how to be a “good” person, how to fit in.

But what if those lessons were rigid, critical, or outdated?

If a parent was overly harsh, you might carry an inner critic that undermines you, even today. Some adults still feel they are never quite “good enough,” echoing the disapproval they experienced as children. If you find yourself rigidly following rules without questioning their relevance, your Parent Ego may be calling the shots.

This ego state forms largely in the first five years of life, meaning many of your guiding rules are old news. If you or others are reacting in ways that feel outdated or out of sync with present reality, it may be time to re-evaluate which “parents” are still driving your decisions.

Ask yourself:

• Which parts of me reflect my parents?

• What old beliefs still serve me?

• Which ones need to be released?

The Child Ego: The Voice of Emotion

Your Child Ego records emotional responses and perceptions from your early years, especially those formed before you had the vocabulary to make sense of your experiences. These impressions often live in your body as feelings, not words.

When triggered, we may unknowingly respond from this wounded or unprocessed state. Ask yourself:

• Were you taught to suppress your anger or express it?

• Were you indulged for sulking, whining, or manipulating?

• Did you learn to hide for fear of punishment or shame?

Unless we consciously grow beyond these patterns, we’re likely to repeat them—especially in relationships and during times of stress.

And yet, the Child Ego isn’t all shadow. It’s also the source of our playfulness, creativity, curiosity, and wonder. Honoring this part of yourself connects you to your essence - but it must be integrated, not in control. A child isn’t meant to run the show, especially not in adulthood.

Regression into childlike states can happen during trauma, stress, or illness—when one seeks caretaking instead of stepping into their own authority. Awareness is the first step toward reclaiming personal power.

The Adult Ego: Presence and Personal Power

Your Adult Ego is the most grounded, present, and resourceful version of you. It’s the part that responds to the here and now with logic, empathy, and responsibility. Rather than reacting based on past conditioning, the Adult Ego evaluates the moment, asks questions, and makes thoughtful choices.

When you’re in this state, you’re not seeking validation—you’re generating it from within.

For many, the first real moment of adulthood comes with the realization: Nobody is coming to save me. That was a turning point in my own journey. The day I accepted that it was up to me to step up - to be the adult in the room - was the day I began leading myself forward.

Your Adult Ego may have begun developing as early as 10 months old. Imagine your baby-self already collecting data, solving problems, adapting to reality. In so many ways, you’ve always been more resourceful than you knew.

But even now, under pressure, the Adult state can become impaired. When stress hits, we may revert to past patterns. That’s why it’s vital to stay aware of what state is driving your decisions.

Are you showing up in the present? Or are you reacting from the past?

Leading With Awareness

When you notice yourself moving into a reactive state—fight, flight, freeze, or fawn—pause. Breathe. Check in. What part of you is showing up?

Likewise, observe others. Some adults move through life with love, logic, and maturity on display. They’ve learned to lead themselves first. That’s what real leadership looks like.

Ask yourself:

• What kind of Adult Ego am I embodying?

• What kind of adult do I want to be?

• Am I modelling mature leadership to myself - and to others?

Leadership starts with presence. A true leader doesn’t wait for someone else to take responsibility - they step forward, knowing that someone must be the grown-up in the room. Why not you?

Final Reflections

Have you ever explored the deep complexities of your ego?

It can be both healing and empowering to befriend your ego - not to judge or suppress it, but to understand it. Through that understanding, we grow.

Ask yourself:

• What did the adults in my life model to me about life and leadership?

• What am I modeling to others today?

Life will always call on us to grow, to lead, to evolve. Your ego is not the enemy - it’s the gateway to self-awareness, emotional maturity, and authentic leadership.

Are you ready to meet it?